Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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