Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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