dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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