are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
