this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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