1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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