Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
