it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
