i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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