I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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