Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
