I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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