i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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