He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
my poor anus
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
