Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
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