i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
