Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
