wanna go halves on a baby?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
