he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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