going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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