I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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