Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
