The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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