i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
