I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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