I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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