Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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