I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
