To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
