I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
