just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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