I can tuck mytits in my pants
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
