he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
