last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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