Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
