tonight lets celebrate not being married
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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