I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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