I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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