I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
