glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
