Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
