i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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