this beer tastes like vomit already
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
