i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
