Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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