I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
