He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
