She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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