if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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