I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
