i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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