i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
