dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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