My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize