don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
