they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Say something about gay babies.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Terrible idea I love it
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
