Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i love accidental penises.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
