I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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