no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
