Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
