this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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